you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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