If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
