He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
