the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
