I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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