1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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