Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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