If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
