You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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