Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
