He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
