she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
