I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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