I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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