drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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