So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I pour the whiskey from now on
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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