I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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