Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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