The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
