Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
