WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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