god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
