i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
