do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
