Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
