He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
