oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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