Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
