just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
