I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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