If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I enjoy the company of your penis
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