I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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