Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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