Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
