Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
