I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar