maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.