My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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