i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
