That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
