you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
