I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
