Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
