omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.