Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
