Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
