I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
