I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
