he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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