At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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