I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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