he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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