I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
