Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
